Lately I’ve had a lot of time to think about my life. How I’ve changed, how I’ve become stronger, how I’ve become weaker, how I want to be. I notice that I think about others wants, desires, emotions, etc. before my own. Sometimes I feel as if I am walking on eggshells trying to offend or hurt people. I wish I could just say “fuck it” and express my true thoughts and emotions, but I still bite my tongue. Sometimes feel like the world is going to come crashing down upon me if I say what I want when I want. Even now, as I sit here writing, I’m crying because making one person happy made another upset. At work, I want to tell my boss that if I want to have the weekends off from now on I shouldn’t have to ask my coworkers if they are willing to switch with me. She should change the schedule and say that if they want to work then they have to work those hours. I’ve been there for three and a half years now, longer than anyone else in that place. I don’t think that it is fair that I work every single weekend. I’ve missed out on weddings, baby showers, my niece’s and nephew’s birthday parties, etc. Working on the weekends was fine for a while, but not for over three years. It is now affecting my family life, my social life, my romantic life, and my schooling. The other day I found out that my uncle might have cancer again. The doctors found a lesion somewhere near his lungs and heart. That same day I found out that my mom has the early stages of emphysema. When she told me that all I wanted to say was, “I told you so,” but I knew that wouldn’t make the situation any better. She hasn’t had a cigarette for three days now, and I’m proud of her for that. But in the back of my mind I wonder how long will she kick the habit for this time. A week? A month? A year? I already feel like I’m walking on eggshells with my mom and I know that it is just going get harder the next couple of weeks while she tries to kick her addiction. Even after writing this, I’m still thinking about how I can make everyone else happy.